I am discovering that much of what I thought was my talent, personality, charm, luck, sexiness and energy, was actually youth. Now that I am 17 plus 20, I have to figure out which parts of me remain. I mean, was I ever smart, witty or sensual or was I just 17? Was I ever generous, forgiving, and brave, or was I just 17?
All these years I thought myself to be a social butterfly. Not. All this time I thought I was a free – spirit. Not. And I really and truly believed myself to have above average intelligence. LOL. That may be the biggest ‘Not’ of all.
I hope this does not sound sad, because I do not feel sad. I am curious to know who I am without the built in excuse of immaturity, without the buoyancy that is ignorance/innocence. Who is this woman who must wear a bra every day? Who is she whose sexual appetite has not waned but whose sexual activity has taken a nose dive? Who is she that is willing to accept the stigma of being a welfare recipient if it means I can be home for my son? I do not know this chic. But she is here every morning fretting about her weight and how to pay next month’s bills.
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